Well I've lost 14 lbs in a month. I'm very happy with this.
Every day I become more acquainted with the stone cold reality that Ben and I really really arent right for eachother. Yes we have been getting along okay, and he hasn't done anything WRONG but I KNOW hes not happy with me nor I with him. I realize that though we have been able to work together very well and love eachother like family we will never be 'lovers'.
Right after work the other day my mom was sitting Dorian for me and Ben came to pick me up from the mall(yes..I work in a mall)-before he got there my coworkers asked if when he got there we would like to hang out around the mall and maybe go to Applebees for a 'tripple-date'(my coworkers consist of 2 other couples..disgustingly in love) I said that I would talk to ben and it sounded nice...as soon as he got there I sorta rushed him out the door before anyone had a chance to mention it. Its not that I didn't want to spend time with them--more or less I feel really really weird being a 'couple' with him in public situations much less around NORMAL couples.. I feel like anyone at anytime- the whole world will see through the charade. Any bystander will be able to look at us and wonder "why are they even with eachother??" Look on in wonder and disgust as us being together is some fluke-some flaw in nature. I feel like anyone who looks at us as a 'couple' will be met with immediate dissapointment--realization that santa isnt real and that unicorns never existed.
I feel like when Ben and I cuddle or walk hand in hand (on the rare occasion he will let me touch him in public-he doesn't like PDA's)we are a direct slap in the face and insult to anyone who is or ever has been IN LOVE.
Our situation sucks. Ive tried convincing myself that this is the reason we are unhappy. Lack of money, lack of social time, lack of sleep etc... but I now recognize that nomatter how amazing our jobs could be, how much sleep we could get, how many friends and good times could surround us it will not make us any happier with EACHOTHER. It's just an excuse.
We are missing the most crucial thing a relationship needs--LOVE. Why am i not in love with him? Because he is not in love with me. I really do think that it is that simple. From day one I've sensed that he wasn't really into me. He's not an emotional or passionate person in any way..and I am. That is that.
